[Editorial note: In the switch from PBW 1.0 to 2.0, much of the formatting has gone wonky. Please bear with me while I get it straightened out.]
I held out for so long. I got downright uppity about it. And then I heard Robert Pattinson would be in the movie, and my resolve weakened. Then the trailer came out, and I knew it was time to crumble. Besides--won't it be easier to deal with all the fandom squee if I'm already assimilated?
I enjoyed the first book--and hated the second--more than I expected. The third one just made me scream. And yet I am hopelessly addicted to them, and waiting for Midnight Sun as if it were Christmas.
Wait, it's about what?
Emo teenage girl moves to new town, meets mysterious boy, realizes he's a sparkling vampire; Greatest Love of All Time Omg ensues. In later books, a love triangle forms with the addition of a werewolf. Babies are of paramount importance; going to college is not. Some readers rank the series up there with Pride and Prejudice and the works of Shakespeare; some readers... beg to differ. Severely.
Glossary
Chagrin
What every character in the Twilight series will feel at least twenty times before any given book is over. Not to mention some of the books' fans. And at top volume. Always.
Dazzle
Something the Twilightverse vampires do, although more of a psychological effect than the sparkling:
He tilted his head to one side, and his eyes were curious. "I dazzle people?"
"You haven't noticed? Do you think everybody gets their way so easily?"
He ignored my questions. "Do I dazzle you?"
"Frequently," I admitted. (Twilight)
Get the Dazzle Exchange in stereo here.
Freesia
What Bella Swan and her exquisite blood smell like. Yes, naturally. No, really:
I could feel his cool breath on my neck, feel his nose sliding along my jaw, inhaling.
"I thought you were desensitized."
"Just because I'm resisting the wine doesn't mean I can't appreciate the bouquet," he whispered. "You have a very floral smell, like lavender. . . or freesia," he noted. "It's mouthwatering." (Twilight)
Fursplode
I think I mentioned "exploding werewolves" in one of the recaps, and then actually started using the word "fursplode" for the Breaking Dawn commentary ("...and apparently they go on Quileuting happily until vampires settle in the area, at which point the current generation of young people will FURSPLODE! into werewolves"). Here's why:
"Paul!" Sam and Jacob shouted together.
Paul seemed to fall forward, vibrating violently. Halfway to the ground, there was a loud ripping noise, and the boy exploded.
Dark silver fur blew out from the boy, coalescing into a shape more than five-times his size--a massive, crouched shape, ready to spring. (New Moon)
Haters to the left
A tag I instituted after getting sockpuppet complaints about Twilight snark. Because, you know, I never snark on anything else, ever, and I certainly haven't been paid to do it. Basically, an entry with this tag means that I fully expect bitching:
BRING IT IF YOU THINK YOU'VE GOT IT. BECAUSE IF YOU BRING IT, I WILL POLITELY TELL YOU THAT SNARK IS KIND OF WHAT I DO AND IF IT DOESN'T SUIT YOU THEN YOU MAY BE HAPPIER READING ANOTHER JOURNAL, AND IT WILL BE BROUGHTEN.
Horrify the Twilight Noob
The best game ever, and how I was actually sucked into reading the books myself. What happens is, someone unfamiliar with Twilight happens to hear some detail ("Wait... they sparkle?" ; "Vampire baseball?" ), and someone who has read the books has the pleasure of giving them the full picture. Example:
OH HOLY SHIT ARE WE GONNA PLAY HORRIFY THE TWILIGHT NOOB AGAIN? I LOVE THIS GAME!
Yeah, he thinks Bella's killed herself (it's a loooong damn story), so he goes to the capital vampire city in Italy (look, don't ask me) and he's going to fling off his shirt and sparkle in public at high noon, because he knows the ruling vampire whoevers will tackle him first and kill him--you know that expression "suicide by cop"? Kind of like that. So of course Bella finds out, and she has to run across the city in a race against time to stop him. In my head, it happens in slo-mo, and there's a Big No ("NOOOOOOOOO") involved.
The release of Breaking Dawn raised the game to new heights; when "playing" it with my aunt, I had the pleasure of saying, "No, Jacob doesn't end up with Bella. Bella marries Edward at the beginning of the fourth book, and then she gets pregnant with his half-vampire baby and it comes to term in like a month and then it breaks all her ribs and her spine coming out and Jacob falls in love with it." And I didn't even get to tell her how they delivered the baby.
Imprinting
It's kind of a love-at-first-sight thing for werewolves--once they see their soulmate for the first time, that person becomes "the center of their universe" absolutely. It's controversial in the books, besides the obvious reason (the person imprinted on gets no choice at all in the matter, and it is explained that "it's hard to resist that kind of love and devotion," so--hope you like being stuck with some random werewolf guy!), because teenage Quil imprints on a two-year-old, and Jacob... well. But here's how Jacob hand-waves that bit of creepiness:
"It's not like that; you've got it all wrong," Jacob defended his friend, suddenly vehement. "I've seen what it's like, through his eyes. There's nothing romantic about it at all, not for Quil, not now." He took a deep breath, frustrated. "It's so hard to describe. It's not like love at first sight, really. It's more like . . . gravity moves. When you see her, suddenly it's not the earth holding you here anymore. She does. And nothing matters more than her. And you would do anything for her, be anything for her. . . . You become whatever she needs you to be, whether that's a protector, or a lover, or a friend, or a brother." (Eclipse)
Lolfan
I pretty much made up this word just now to describe the kind of people (i.e., me) who read these books for the sole purpose of snarking on them and yet cannot stop oh God please send help. Levels of affection for the subject matter may vary; macros and icons are often involved. Twatlighters (see below) are a good example of lolfans.
OME
"Oh my Edward." Like... not "OMG"... OME. No, really. NO, REALLY:
Maybe the word "Edward" or "Bella" has flickered across the water cooler or an email is suddenly punctuated with a cryptic "OME!" (Oh My Edward!, for those in the know). (Vanity Fair)
Outrageous flavor
An actual description of Bella, from Edward's point of view:
I'd glutted myself on the blood of animals, not that it made much difference in the face of the outrageous flavor floating in the air around her. (Midnight Sun)
So Edward flees class to sit in his car and listen to "violent music." Rule of thumb in the Twilightverse: when in doubt, they're listening to Muse. Whoever it is, Outrageous Flavor is totally opening their next concert. (Recap)
Petitions
The favored recreational activity of Twilighters, both pro- and-anti-fans. Didn't like Breaking Dawn? Think people who didn't like Breaking Dawn are omgsomeen? Want Stephenie Meyer to finish Midnight Sun? You, my friend, need to start a petition.
RPattz
Actor Robert Pattinson, who plays Edward Cullen in the movie(s) (and also played Harry Potter's rival Cedric Diggory, btw). Harry Potter has Radcakes; Twilight has RPattz, who in turn lives in apparent (but polite) fear of the fangirls, and with good reason. (I don't know for sure, but I think the nickname comes from ONTD/Twatlight.) As I once remarked elsewhere, re: Comic-Con (see below),
Harry/Radcakes was never set up specifically as the Romantic Hero of All Time/Hottest Wizard in the World. (Pattinson)'s got a square mile of horny women aimed directly at him.
Pattz himself seems a bit boggled by this choice of nickname, preferring "Spunk Ransom."
Sparkle
What Twilightverse vampires do in direct sunlight. No, really. No, really:
Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn't get used to it, though I'd been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal. (Twilight)
Sparkle Motion
It originates from a Donnie Darko quote ("Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion," which is a dance team); I use the phrase "Sparkle Motion" to mean "general Twilight hilarity, particularly involving insane fans." An entry tagged "twilight" has Twilight-related links or discussion; an entry also tagged "sparkle motion" means that there's some ridiculousness (or sparkly macros, or lolarious magazine covers, or wintastic interviews) involved--or, as in the case of the Breaking Dawn commentary, actual sparkling--that will delight your soul.
Twatlight
An ONTD spinoff devoted to the lulz--that is to say, a community of lolfans. It's very CAPSLOCK/lol meme and full of sparkle font; I like it best in very small doses.
And then, during SDCC '08, they made contact with RPattz.
Twihards
Rhymes with "diehards," as in "diehard fans," and means much the same thing. I seem to recall some Twilighters taking offense to the nickname, though, in a "We're Trekkers, not Trekkies!" kind of way.
Twilight Moms
A large constituency of the Twilight fandom. It was, in fact, a Twilight Mom who asked Robert Pattinson about his underwear at Comic-Con. They kind of scare me. Like, a lot.
Twilight Tuesdays
A weekly feature on MTV's movie blog that they apparently intend to keep up all through the summer and fall of 2008 until the movie comes out in December, leading, on occasion, to some desperate stretches for content.
And then Entertainment Weekly decided to horn in on their gig.
Twilighters
A general name for Twilight fans.
Great Moments in Sparkle Motion
The Robert Pattinson Interview
A five-minute video interview in which Robert Pattinson politely, respectfully, Britishfully expresses that his character may, in fact, be something of a moron. Lolfans swooned.
The Best Comic Ever
The best Twilight comic ever. Not to mention the most accurate.
The Entertainment Weekly Cover
The cover so terrible that the LA Times actually devoted coverage to the fan outrage. Twilight lolfans immediately started photoshopping sparkles onto it. And let us not forget the icons, which were magnificent.
I then may have helped--just helped!--talk Jessica at GFY into fugging the cover.
The Hijacking of Comic-Con
San Diego Comic-Con, Part One
Twilight fans lined up a mile deep to get in for the Summit Entertainment panel; it was estimated that 6500 of them filled Hall H and proceeded to scare the living hell out of all the Twilight actors assembled. Excerpts from the day's linkspam:
Let's recap from yesterday, shall we? ‘Twilight’ Fans Stretch One (1) Mile Deep At Comic-Con, jump Hugh Jackman; Kicked Out of Comic-Con by Twilight Fans? This is Crazy!, in which a pushy Twilighter demands (and gets) First Showing.net's seats at the Fox panel.
The reason we're here this morning: SDCC 08: Summit Entertainment’s 'Twilight': "One young lady just stepped up to the mic and asked Robert Pattinson, 'How does it feel to be one of the hottest guys in (couldn’t hear over the screams), because I want YOU, baby, woo hoo!' As Pattinson struggled to answer, I couldn’t help but laugh my ass off watching my friend David Chen of /Film sitting beside me holding his head. That question was so awesome."
And my favorite link, a video in which Pattinson seems somewhat shaken: "It's terrifying. It's like the sound you hear at the gates of hell."
San Diego Comic-Con, Day Two
In which Pattinson reveals, "I fight like a little bitch." Well, good, because he's going to need that. Also the day we realized that his hair houses a finely-tuned security system that warns him of incoming fangirls, as shown in this icon that wildthyme made for me:
The Sparkledammerung
The Twilight version of the Potterdämmerung; also known as the Sparklelolcalypse (™ Lily Rose/akathorne). Nearly a year to the day that Deathly Hallows came out, Breaking Dawn was released on August 2, 2008. but spoilers--including the epilogue--leaked nearly a week in advance, and Twilighters were not happy. In fact, the spoilers managed to piss off nearly every faction of Twilight fan--the Edward/Bella shippers, the Jacob/Bella shippers, the Jacob fans in general--except, of course, the lolfans, who pulled up seats and got the popcorn ready. By the end of the week, Twatlight had been C&Ded by the publisher, the Journalfen system admin had pwned a fake lawyer, and sparkly macros abounded. And this was before the general public got its hands on the book.
The Pwnage of Beedle the Bard
For months, endless news articles and magazine profiles went on and on about how Stephenie Meyer was the new JK Rowling and Twilight was the new Harry Potter--something hardcore Twilighters were more than happy to inform you at any given chance. Then, two days before Breaking Dawn was released, Amazon suddenly, and without any advance notice or warning, announced that they were not only getting to publish JK Rowling's Tales of Beedle the Bard, they were putting it on pre-sale THAT MORNING. Within hours, Beedle had knocked Breaking Dawn down to #3 on the pre-orders bestseller list--with the $100 special edition of Beedle coming in at #2.
The Sparkledammerung Continues
As documented in two entries at Fandom Wank. The highlights:
Namechecked by New York Magazine
So I wrote that huge Breaking Dawn recap and then... it was linked and quoted on NY Mag's Vulture blog. I would have been thrilled, except that I was too busy trying to get onto the waitlist for the Witness Protection Program. Surprisingly, Twihards never arrived to eat my face.
Growing Up Cullen
A series of IM conversations on Livejournal imagining Edward as a prissy virgin with a lot of hobbies and a cleaning fetish.
saint_renegade: CAN YOU IMAGINE HIM SCRAPBOOKING?
oxymoronassoc: YEAH I CAN
oxymoronassoc: ALL SPREAD OUT ON THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR
oxymoronassoc: SUPER INTENSE
saint_renegade: ~HUNTING TRIPS~
oxymoronassoc: CUTTING OUT SNOW ANGELS AND SHIT
oxymoronassoc: GOING TO GET STICKERS THAT MATCHED
saint_renegade: WHERE ARE MAH STICKERS!!!!!
oxymoronassoc: EMMETT WOULD STEAL THEM
oxymoronassoc: "LOOK AT THIS SHIT IT'S A BATHTUB STICKER? WHO THE FUCK NEEDS THAT?"
The best part, however, is their Frat Guy Emmett. Just... trust me on this.
ZOMG TIME MAGAZINE
Okay, one of their blogs: Two Blog Entries You Should Be Reading.
Just when you're ready to break up with the Internet, forever, and take back the lingerie you bought it, you stumble on things that remind you that it's sort of good for something. Like these two blog posts, which make me embarrassed that I pretend to be a professional writer. A friend of mine sent me a link to this recap of Breaking Dawn. It's brilliant. For example, on Edward and Bella's traumatic wedding-night romp:
I bet half the problem would have been solved here if they hadn’t been in the missionary position. No, this is not actually stated. Whatever, you know they were.
She's just saying what we're all thinking.
I may have considered printing this out and sticking it on my fridge.
The Sparkledammerung, Part III
From Fandom Wank: A petition complaining about Breaking Dawn and hoping to achieve... I don't even know what, something... is carried to Stephenie Meyer's brother/webmaster on the backs of many teal deer. I don't know what the petitioner hoped her brother's response would be, but... it was not positive.
The Sparkledammerung, Part IV
More from Fandom Wank! In which the highlight is the Twilight Moms striking back: In an attempt to make Entertainment Weekly change its Breaking Dawn review (grade: D), the Twilight Moms mounted a campaign to send white chess pieces (see: the cover of the book) to the magazine. As of this writing, the campaign has had exactly no effect on the review.
The Midnight Sun Leak and Subsequent Flounce
The first twelve chapters of Meyer's next book, Midnight Sun--Twilight rewritten from Edward's point of view, and the same twelve chapters she had given Robert Pattinson--hit the internet at large in late August. Despite the chagrin abstaining inflicted on my dazzle, I decided that it would be better not to recap what was, in essence, stolen property. OH MY GOD EDWARD SITS IN THE CORNER OF HER ROOM ALL NIGHT WHILE SHE SLEEPS AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HE'S THERE, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT.
And then a week later, Stephenie Meyer executed a professional flounce and put the leaked chapters up on her website anyway. To the Recapmobile!
Note: "Growing Up Cullen" is EVEN FUNNIER after (if) you read this one.
The Empire Magazine Article
In which we lolfans nearly died of awesome:
"When you read the book," says Pattinson, looking appropriately pallid and interesting even without makeup, "it's like, 'Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself.' I mean, every line is like that. He's the most ridiculous person who's so amazing at everything. I think a lot of actors tried to play that aspect. I just couldn't do that. And the more I read the script, the more I hated this guy, so that's how I played him, as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus, he's a 108-year-old virgin so he's obviously got some issues there."
Yeah, he definitely read Midnight Sun.
Russell Brand Commits a FRICKIN SIN
Four of the Twilight actors appeared on the 2008 VMAs to introduce a performance by Paramore, because MTV is all up in Twilight's business like it's got a profit stake or something (I wouldn't be surprised). Kristen Stewart said her bit, Taylor Lautner said his bit, Robert Pattinson opened his mouth, and UNEXPECTED RUSSELL BRAND IS UNEXPECTED, SUCKAS! "DEEP MOTHER FUCKING CHAGRIN" ensued, or, as MTV reported the next day, Twilight Fans Furious After Russell Brand Cuts Off Robert Pattinson At VMAs: 'That's basically a FRICKIN SIN in the fandom,' one Twilighter fumes.
I wrote a quick recap of the show on a whim. At the time, what I said was, "Somewhere all the Twihards are writing angry emails to MTV (no, I'm pretty sure they actually are)." What people reading at the time did not realize was that I was absolutely not kidding. I didn't spend seven years in the Harry Potter fandom without learning a little something about crazy, y'all.
Rupert Grint Loses a Bet
Turns out that Grint and Pattinson--who were both in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire--still hang out... and that Pattinson enjoys inflicting the Twilight books on unsuspecting buddies.
After (he replied) to the text message, we found out that Rupert recently lost a bet to actor Robert Pattinson, who was once part of the Harry Potter cast in a previous film, and insisted that Rupert read the bestselling book. Rupert is now "stuck reading 'Twilight' " and that Rob was just texting him to see how far along he was getting.
Rupert admitted he had only read the first five chapters of the bestselling book and we just informed him that there were three more books in the series. "No, really, are you serious? I thought there was just this one book?" Only now realizing he has to read three more, Rupert took his phone out and sent another message to Rob. By the looks of things, we can bet it wasn't a very pleasant message.
The Final Trailer
Featuring speed-mo tree-climbing, Jerome Robbins choreography, slapfighting, and BDSM!Edward:
TOUR OF TERROR
See Tour of Terror 08.
The Greatest Macro Ever
The greatest Breaking Dawn macro that ever has been or ever will be made.
THE BEST INTERVIEW EVER
It began as a simple video interview on E!Online ("Pattinson Preps for 'Twilight' Takeover") and then, about three minutes in, took a turn for the epic:
When I read it, it seemed like (grimaces) I was convinced that ... Stephenie was ... convinced that she was Bella, and uh, and you, it wasn't, it was like it was a book that wasn't supposed to be published, like reading her ... her sort of sexual fantasy about some -- especially when she says that it was based on a dream, and it's like, "Oh, then I had a dream about this really sexy guy" and she just writes this book about it, and there's some things about Edward that are just so specific that it's like, I was just convinced that, that this woman is mad, she's completely mad, and she's in love with her own fictional creation and I -- sometimes you, like, feel uncomfortable reading this thing, and I think a lot of people feel the same way, that it's kind of voyeuristic, ah, and it creates this sick pleasure in a lot of ways. (fan transcript)
Book discussion entries
Twilight
My thoughts on Twilight, let me show you them (May 14th, 2008): Includes my three theories on why the books are popular, plus ten things I really, really had a problem with. For starters.
I've held this as a general theory for a while, so listen up, nice guys (or Nice Guys), but maybe not for the reason you'd think. I actually don't think girls like a guy who treats them bad. But I do think they--we--get off a little on the idea of changing someone for the better, or the idea of having the power that someone loves us so much that he'll change or sacrifice something for us. (I don't have the patience for fixer-uppers in real life--if I'm going to be with you, I want you to be a fully formed, fully actualized self before I get there--but I'm a sucker for the trope in literature.) A nice guy doesn't need to change, and, most importantly, he's already nice to everyone. How do you know that you're special if he treats everyone else with as much kindness and respect as he treats you? The "bad boy" type, though? He may range from simple, garden-variety jackhole (hello, Sawyer!) to appalling psychopath (hello, Dr. Lecter!), but you know he loves you because he's completely different around you. You are an exception to his very nature. This is how "villain" ends up drifting towards "antihero"--Dracula, the Phantom of the Opera, Spike on Buffy, fanfic!Draco Malfoy--but you even see it with straightforward heroes: Mr. Darcy and Mr. Rochester are both cold, prickly, withdrawn types until Lizzie Bennet and Jane Eyre arrive, respectively, to bewilder and melt them. That's the fantasy.
See also Midnight Sun commentary, chapters 7-12 for selected chapter summaries and the Dazzle Exchange in stereo.
Midnight Sun
Midnight Sun commentary, chapters 1-6 (August 29th, 2008)
I still don't understand exactly what happens, because it's like the van's going to careen crushwards into Bella and then it turns or something and nearly crushes her again? And Edward throws her down (unf!) and nearly cracks her skull and blocks the van with his shoulder but then the death van swings around and he has to lift the van off her but if it's already on her shouldn't she already be crushed and look, I don't even know. The scene in the movie trailer is much more lolarious simple, so I'm going with that: Van baaaad. Bella freesiaaaa. Edward INTENSE.
Midnight Sun commentary, chapters 7-12 (August 31st, 2008)
With bonus Twilight spot recapping.
Also, he still has her Snapple cap in his pocket, because Edward Cullen is a thirteen-year-old girl.
New Moon
Twilight II: Vampiric Boogaloo (May 15th, 2008): A brief, chapter-by-chapter commentary.
Also, Jacob's got a fever of a hundred and werewolf, I think.
"Marcus sees relationships. He's surprised by the intensity of ours." That's a POWER? What, is this like the X-Men where they started running out of shit and gave Dazzler the power of, like, disco or some shit?
Includes my theory on why Wuthering Heights is horror, not romance:
You know, Jacob's a nice kid, but I cannot support Jacob/Bella. Jacob/Bella does not convulse me with laughter and sparkly goodness. He's far too good and normal for her. Notice how she can't even pay attention to him? It's because she's exactly like Cathy Earnshaw--she can't function unless she's got Heathcliff to bounce her angst off. (Have I ever told you my theory that Wuthering Heights is not romance but actually horror, about two emotional sadomasochists who lay waste to everyone around them, using them as pawns in their own personal war of attrition? Because, I mean... that's pretty much the whole theory. ~The More You Know~)
Eclipse
Twilight III: Bride of Twilight (May 18th, 2008):
I love Alice so much. "CLAIRVOYANT VAMPIRE SLUMBER PARTY!!!!" Which should totally be a teensploitation B-movie from the '60s, by the way. "Also, my vampire not-brother bought me that Porsche so I'd keep you locked up while he's gone. Did I say 'while'? I meant every single time." And then Alice gives Bella a pedicure.
Oh Lord, Bella's decided that she wants to lose her virginity before she becomes a vampire. But he won't do that if they're not married! But she won't marry him if he won't let her become a vampire! But she won't let him make her a vampire unless he takes her cherry first! Dude, it's like that riddle about the fox and the goose and the bag of wheat trying to cross the river on a boat made for two.
(Damn, Edward, she's trying to get her freak on! What's all this buzzkill about souls?)
Breaking Dawn
Breaking Dawn three-part commentary (August 2nd, 2008):
Also: The pillow-biting will never, ever stop cracking my shit up. Ever. OM NOM ROUGH SEX NOM.
(If you’d told me a week ago that Breaking Dawn was going to be about Bella Swan Cullen fighting off a vampire fetus, I would have laughed in your face.)
And also, even though she’s supposed to be mad and inhuman with bloodlust, all Bella can think of when she touches Edward is… something else. God bless, Bella. I like you better when you let your inner nasty off the chain.
Twilight in Fifteen Minutes
Twilight in Fifteen Minutes, part of the Movies in Fifteen Minutes series I've been doing since 2003.
EDWARD: SAY MY NAME, BITCH
BELLA: EDWARD
EDWARD: NO, THE OTHER ONE
BELLA: ASSHOLE
EDWARD: NO, THE OTHER ONE
BELLA: VAMPIRE, OKAY? VAMPIRE
Icons
See also
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