Then Sookie wakes up in the middle of the night and looks out the window and there's Bill lurking in the Stackhouse front yard. (Edward, there's someone I'd like to introduce you to. I think y'all will have a lot in common...)

Hey, is that Bill down the way there? No, it's the Rattrays kicking Sookie's guts in. Somewhere, Edward Cullen is very disappointed in Bill the Vampire's stalking skills.

See, I love this, because Edward Cullen spends all of the Twilight series being like I MUST PENETRATE BELLA'S MIND!!!!1!, and Sookie's like, Praise Jesus, it's a brain vacation.

(S)ometimes he can "glamour somebody into letting me feed on them for love." Is this anything like dazzling? Because I want a front-row seat for this.

"And I'll always be able to feel you, find you fast. If you're ever in trouble, that could come in quite handy." (Somewhere, Edward's is grumbling that it's just not fair, it's not fair at all, this guy's not even good at stalking and he gets all the breaks.)

That's right, he tried to dazzle her and it didn't even work. I love it. Bill? Bill does not love it. "You don't like not being able to control people, do you?" laughs Sookie. "It's not a very attractive trait, you know EDWARD."

Edward Cullen would have laid out a glitter-rage beatdown the moment Foxy touched the doorknob. Sexxor would be mincemeat fertilizing the Compton lawn; two years from now, Edward would be winning flower shows with the rare Tattooed Rose.

Compton House. There's a knock on the door. "I am truly sorry to bother you, Mr. Compton--William, if I may be so bold?--but it has come to my attention that you, too, have a beautiful young girl that you're trying to surveil," says an angel marble cupcake Adonis on the doorstep. Edward's still jealous of all the unfair advantages Bill's been handed, but his controlling perfectionism hates to see anyone underachieve. "Now, I have considerable experience in this area, if you would like some helpful hints..." Bill gives him another WTF? squint. "I assure you, I was able to save the object of my affections from sudden death umpteen hundred times--we're currently married with a growth-accelerated mutant half-vampire baby, so I know what I'm talking about." Bill... can't really argue with that. He steps aside so that Edward can come in, and as he closes the door, you can hear a faint "Let me show you my scrapbook, 'The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Stalkers'...." drifting down the hall.

Compton House. "You know, stalking Sookie in her dreams was a really nice touch, I have to hand it to you. And that chair you've got back there in the shadows, that is A+ starter material, but you see, it needs to be in the corner of her room, not your room..."

"I think we need to stop seeing each other," Sookie blurts out. "WHY," says Bill. Like, not a question, just "WHY." I imagine Edward in the Stackhouse bushes cheering him on ("You tell the little woman what to think!"). "Because YOU DON'T BREATHE?" she retorts. Also, he has evil not-friends, vampires obviously killed the Reverend Does Not Speak to Vampires Newlin, and she had to bury her bloody clothes from the other night so Gran wouldn't know that the Rattrays almost killed her (look, that wasn't his fault! Except for the part where his subpar stalking didn't save her before she caught a beating for saving his life! But still!), "and tonight I was almost killed again. Why ON EARTH would I continue seeing you?" In my mind, Bill's looking over at the bushes and Edward's like, "Uh... my dream girl never asked me anything sense-making like that, I don't know what to tell you."

I think it also might help explain why we as fans tend to really enjoy (or even woobify) dangerous characters, because we're forgetting that their danger might be attractive to us because it's fictional, whereas in the characters' original context, in their world, it's possible that it really, really shouldn't be. Or, in other words: Edward Cullen. There you go. I have explained to you, just now, exactly why you can kind of dig the Twilight books on a hilarrible Twinkie level and still think that Bella is a goddamn idiot for enjoying the same danger we do when we read the books.

So he starts freaking the hell out and I promise, I am really trying not to bring up Twilight at every opportunity that presents itself, but I started having some strong flashbacks to the Jacob/Bella parts of Eclipse that made me want to throw things, WERECOLLIE.

To which Randi Sue bawls out, "BIIIIITCH! NO ONE FUCKS WITH MY HAIR!" (man, Rosalie has let herself go)

And Bill's kneeling by her bed, relieved, and for a moment I thought he was just going to camp out there and watch her sleep. And hey, you know, at least she would know that he was there, EDWARD. But no! He is far too much a gentleman to remain in a lady's boudoir while she lies abed insensible to his presence, EDWARD.