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September 17th, 2004: The Secret Life of Dolls 

[...] And then the monitor wouldn't work. Well, it would turn on, and then immediately go black and/or into "sleep" mode. I couldn't tell if it was the monitor or the hard drive that was causing the problem, so, bruised and bleeding some time after midnight, I decided it was time for a break. It was time to play with Fugagorn, the Fug of Men.

Really, he's sort of grown on me, although one of my major complaints about the Toy Biz figures is that you cannot take their clothes off at all, and if you do manage, you will never get them back on again. Before you go to a bad place, pervs, you have to understand that these dolls come with layers of clothing--like that dark greenish coat Aragorn only wears in the first movie. What if you want to take that off? Well, you're never getting it back on again, that's what. In fact, I remember Liv Tyler saying on Letterman a couple of years back that she was given a prototype of the Arwen doll I have, the one in the purple dress and lavender robe, and she immediately started taking the doll's clothes off (see?), and couldn't get the dress back on because the sleeves were so tight (exactly!), and had to ship the prototype back for approval... naked. ("Uh... sorry about that.") Besides, I like to see how the doll clothes are made. Sadly, Fugagorn's shirt is grey, not (NERD ALERT! NERD ALERT!) red or blue like in the movies, and it is attached to the leggings as some sort of ungodly unitard thing. His accessories include a roll of leathery material strapped to his back, for those occasions when only a roll of leathery material will do, and a small wad of felt tied to his belt, because clearly felt is a precious commodity out in the wild, and who knows when he'll get more? Also, he has a SWORD. This is possibly the most awesome accessory ever (Eowyn keeps asking to borrow it). It even fits in the plastic sheath on his belt, which is SO AWESOME. The problem is that his right hand is clearly shaped to hold the sword, but is clenched too tightly to actually get the sword in it, but I made do with one of the 5000 twisty-wires from the box. Also, the sword arrived somewhat bent, which is bullshit, but the whole thing was only $13 anyway, so what're you gonna do about it.

(I should add here that the Toy Biz boxes always have a picture of the corresponding actor, and it's always a really weird picture. Like, on the Eowyn box, Miranda Otto is looking at you like you just killed and ate her dog. On the Fugagorn box, Viggo Mortensen has this half-exasperated expression like, "Please refrain from molesting this plastic likeness if at all possible. God, I can't believe I approved this.")

The dolls already in possession of the desk shelf had varying reactions. Arwen is pissed because she realized that not only is Fugagorn nearly a head taller than she is, so is Eowyn, which is, and I quote, "so not on." (She had never noticed this before because I keep her a good foot away from the Eowyn doll, with Galadriel as a buffer, because they've already broken one jar of pens.) Galadriel asked if Fugagorn had come across a Celeborn doll, and upon hearing that he had not, muttered, "Aw, nuts." Eowyn started asking if he had any knives or daggers, and Arwen demanded that "that whore" be moved to the shelf with the Gene dolls, to which Eowyn shouted that she could shove them up her Elf Ass sideways, and Arwen tried to backhand her and caught Galadriel in the face instead, and I called a time-out on everyone involved. And then Fugagorn started asking if I had a Legolas doll (which I don't, but I'm thinking they definitely need to come out with a Faramir doll before another catfight breaks out), and that's when I decided it was time to go to bed.

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