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Page history last edited by Cleolinda 14 years ago

Welcome, newcomers! This page, and the rest of the Cleoland wiki, is a side feature of my actual blog, Occupation: Girl,

at which I also talk about things other than Twilight. (See also: Movies in Fifteen Minutes.) Enjoy your stay!


I held out for so long. I got downright uppity about it. And then I heard Robert Pattinson would be in the movie, and my resolve weakened ("Cedric Diggory's gonna be a vampire?!"). Then the trailer came out, and I knew it was time to crumble. Besides--won't it be easier to deal with all the fandom squee if I'm already assimilated?


I enjoyed the first book--and hated the second--more than I expected. The third one just made me scream. Let's not even get started on the fourth one. And yet I am hopelessly addicted to them, and waiting for Midnight Sun as if it were Christmas.





Wait, it's about what?


Emo teenage girl moves to new town, meets mysterious boy, realizes he's a sparkling vampire; Greatest Love of All Time Omg ensues. In later books, a love triangle forms with the addition of a werewolf. Babies are of paramount importance; going to college is not. Some readers rank the series up there with Pride and Prejudice and the works of Shakespeare; some readers... beg to differ. Severely.






Edward Cullen's favorite color, certainly in terms of clothing. I can respect that Stephenie Meyer (as I read her say somewhere) wanted to go in the opposite direction from the clichéd gothy-dark fashions vampires usually appear in. It's just... also... kind of hilarious.


Edward starts forcing Cokes and ravioli and beige leather jackets on Bella because he's afraid she's going to go into shock (he knows this because of his medical learnings), and if the Lonnie incident didn't send her, the imminent Conversation of Vampire Revelation will. (Midnight Sun recap)


Bella gets dressed in Alice's giant closet and Edward puts on the beigest clothes he can lay hands on, naturally, and they go to see Renesmee. (Breaking Dawn recap)


life_on_queen says: "Uh, the media training I went to was pretty much - wear navy blue or black when you want to be taken seriously, tan or beige means 'love me, touch me.'" Permit me to note here that [...] in the books, Edward Cullen is ALWAYS wearing beige. (Poor confused, sex-starved, mixed-signaled Bella. "Your mouth says no, but your beige says UNF.") (Entry)




What every character in the Twilight series will feel at least twenty times before any given book is over. Not to mention some of the books' fans. And at top volume. Always.




Something the Twilightverse vampires do, although more of a psychological effect than the sparkling:


He tilted his head to one side, and his eyes were curious. "I dazzle people?"
"You haven't noticed? Do you think everybody gets their way so easily?"
He ignored my questions. "Do I dazzle you?"
"Frequently," I admitted. (Twilight)


Get the Dazzle Exchange in stereo here.




What Bella Swan and her exquisite blood smell like. Yes, naturally. No, really:


I could feel his cool breath on my neck, feel his nose sliding along my jaw, inhaling.
"I thought you were desensitized."
"Just because I'm resisting the wine doesn't mean I can't appreciate the bouquet," he whispered. "You have a very floral smell, like lavender. . . or freesia," he noted. "It's mouthwatering." (Twilight)
No one ever explains how someone could confuse the smells of lavender and freesia, or why someone would want to eat something that smelled like flowers, however. 
Side note: In Breaking Dawn, we discover that Edward's Vampire Smell is "lilac, honey and sun."


I think I mentioned "exploding werewolves" in one of the recaps, and then actually started using the word "fursplode" for the Breaking Dawn commentary ("...and apparently they go on Quileuting happily until vampires settle in the area, at which point the current generation of young people will FURSPLODE! into werewolves"). Here's why:


"Paul!" Sam and Jacob shouted together.


Paul seemed to fall forward, vibrating violently. Halfway to the ground, there was a loud ripping noise, and the boy exploded.


Dark silver fur blew out from the boy, coalescing into a shape more than five-times his size--a massive, crouched shape, ready to spring. (New Moon



Haters to the left

A tag I instituted after getting sockpuppet complaints about Twilight snark. Because, you know, I never snark on anything else, ever, and I certainly haven't been paid to do it. Basically, an entry with this tag means that I fully expect bitching:





Horrify the Twilight Noob

The best game ever, and how I was actually sucked into reading the books myself. What happens is, someone unfamiliar with Twilight happens to hear some detail ("Wait... they sparkle?" ; "Vampire baseball?" ), and someone who has read the books has the pleasure of giving them the full picture. Example:



Yeah, he thinks Bella's killed herself (it's a loooong damn story), so he goes to the capital vampire city in Italy (look, don't ask me) and he's going to fling off his shirt and sparkle in public at high noon, because he knows the ruling vampire whoevers will tackle him first and kill him--you know that expression "suicide by cop"? Kind of like that. So of course Bella finds out, and she has to run across the city in a race against time to stop him. In my head, it happens in slo-mo, and there's a Big No ("NOOOOOOOOO") involved.
The release of Breaking Dawn raised the game to new heights; when "playing" it with my aunt, I had the pleasure of saying, "No, Jacob doesn't end up with Bella. Bella marries Edward at the beginning of the fourth book, and then she gets pregnant with his half-vampire baby and it comes to term in like a month and then it breaks all her ribs and her spine coming out and Jacob falls in love with it." And I didn't even get to tell her how they delivered the baby.


It's kind of a love-at-first-sight thing for werewolves--once they see their soulmate for the first time, that person becomes "the center of their universe" absolutely. It's controversial in the books, besides the obvious reason (the person imprinted on gets no choice at all in the matter, and it is explained that "it's hard to resist that kind of love and devotion," so--hope you like being stuck with some random werewolf guy!), because teenage Quil imprints on a two-year-old, and Jacob... well. But here's how Jacob hand-waves that bit of creepiness:


"It's not like that; you've got it all wrong," Jacob defended his friend, suddenly vehement. "I've seen what it's like, through his eyes. There's nothing romantic about it at all, not for Quil, not now." He took a deep breath, frustrated. "It's so hard to describe. It's not like love at first sight, really. It's more like . . . gravity moves. When you see her, suddenly it's not the earth holding you here anymore. She does. And nothing matters more than her. And you would do anything for her, be anything for her. . . . You become whatever she needs you to be, whether that's a protector, or a lover, or a friend, or a brother." (Eclipse)




I pretty much made up this word just now to describe the kind of people (i.e., me) who read these books for the sole purpose of snarking on them and yet cannot stop oh God please send help. Levels of affection for the subject matter may vary; macros and icons are often involved. Twatlighters (see below) are a good example of lolfans.




"Oh my Edward." Like... not "OMG"... OME. No, really. NO, REALLY:


Maybe the word "Edward" or "Bella" has flickered across the water cooler or an email is suddenly punctuated with a cryptic "OME!" (Oh My Edward!, for those in the know). (Vanity Fair)


Outrageous flavor

An actual description of Bella, from Edward's point of view:


I'd glutted myself on the blood of animals, not that it made much difference in the face of the outrageous flavor floating in the air around her. (Midnight Sun)


So Edward flees class to sit in his car and listen to "violent music." Rule of thumb in the Twilightverse: when in doubt, they're listening to Muse. Whoever it is, Outrageous Flavor is totally opening their next concert. (Recap)




The favored recreational activity of Twilighters, both pro- and-anti-fans. Didn't like Breaking Dawn? Think people who didn't like Breaking Dawn are omgsomeen? Want Stephenie Meyer to finish Midnight Sun? You, my friend, need to start a petition.




Actor Robert Pattinson, who plays Edward Cullen in the movie(s) (and also played Harry Potter's rival Cedric Diggory, btw). Harry Potter has Radcakes; Twilight has RPattz, who in turn lives in apparent (but polite) fear of the fangirls, and with good reason. (I don't know for sure, but I think the nickname comes from ONTD/Twatlight.) As I once remarked elsewhere, re: Comic-Con (see below),


Harry/Radcakes was never set up specifically as the Romantic Hero of All Time/Hottest Wizard in the World. (Pattinson)'s got a square mile of horny women aimed directly at him.


Pattz himself seems a bit boggled by this choice of nickname, preferring "Spunk Ransom."




What Twilightverse vampires do in direct sunlight. No, really. No, really:


Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn't get used to it, though I'd been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal. (Twilight)


One of my favorite things ever is when friends call me up after finally getting around to Netflixing the movie and say, "Okay, I thought 'sparkling' was a fandom joke. I DIDN'T REALIZE IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED." 



Sparkle Motion

It originates from a Donnie Darko quote ("Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion," which is a dance team). and I'm sure I'm not the only one who's ever come up with it. I use the phrase "Sparkle Motion" to mean "general Twilight hilarity, particularly involving insane fans." An entry tagged "twilight" has Twilight-related links or discussion; an entry also tagged "sparkle motion" means that there's some ridiculousness (or sparkly macros, or lolarious magazine covers, or wintastic interviews) involved--or, as in the case of the Breaking Dawn commentary, actual sparkling--that will delight your soul.




The Twilightverse vampires, who have very little in common with your classic vampire, except for the blood-drinking. I've seen other people refer to them as "Meyerpires" as well.



Sparklepires 'R' Us

That would be Hot Topic. 




An ONTD spinoff devoted to the lulz--that is to say, a community of lolfans. It's very CAPSLOCK/lol meme and full of sparkle font; I like it best in very small doses.


And then, during SDCC '08, they made contact with RPattz.




Rhymes with "diehards," as in "diehard fans," and means much the same thing. I seem to recall some Twilighters taking offense to the nickname, though, in a "We're Trekkers, not Trekkies!" kind of way.



Twilight Moms

A large constituency of the Twilight fandom. It was, in fact, a Twilight Mom who asked Robert Pattinson about his underwear at Comic-Con. They kind of scare me. Like, a lot.



Twilight Tuesdays

A weekly feature on MTV's movie blog that they kept up all through the summer and fall of 2008 until the movie came out that December, leading, on occasion, to some desperate stretches for content.


And then Entertainment Weekly decided to horn in on their gig.




A general name for Twilight fans. You almost always see "Twihards," even in mainstream publications, these days, though.




Book discussion entries




My thoughts on Twilight, let me show you them (May 14th, 2008): Includes my three theories on why the books are popular, plus ten things I really, really had a problem with. For starters.


I've held this as a general theory for a while, so listen up, nice guys (or Nice Guys), but maybe not for the reason you'd think. I actually don't think girls like a guy who treats them bad. But I do think they--we--get off a little on the idea of changing someone for the better, or the idea of having the power that someone loves us so much that he'll change or sacrifice something for us. (I don't have the patience for fixer-uppers in real life--if I'm going to be with you, I want you to be a fully formed, fully actualized self before I get there--but I'm a sucker for the trope in literature.) A nice guy doesn't need to change, and, most importantly, he's already nice to everyone. How do you know that you're special if he treats everyone else with as much kindness and respect as he treats you? The "bad boy" type, though? He may range from simple, garden-variety jackhole (hello, Sawyer!) to appalling psychopath (hello, Dr. Lecter!), but you know he loves you because he's completely different around you. You are an exception to his very nature. This is how "villain" ends up drifting towards "antihero"--Dracula, the Phantom of the Opera, Spike on Buffy, fanfic!Draco Malfoy--but you even see it with straightforward heroes: Mr. Darcy and Mr. Rochester are both cold, prickly, withdrawn types until Lizzie Bennet and Jane Eyre arrive, respectively, to bewilder and melt them. That's the fantasy.



See also Midnight Sun commentary, chapters 7-12 for selected chapter summaries and the Dazzle Exchange in stereo.



Midnight Sun


Midnight Sun commentary, chapters 1-6 (August 29th, 2008)


I still don't understand exactly what happens, because it's like the van's going to careen crushwards into Bella and then it turns or something and nearly crushes her again? And Edward throws her down (unf!) and nearly cracks her skull and blocks the van with his shoulder but then the death van swings around and he has to lift the van off her but if it's already on her shouldn't she already be crushed and look, I don't even know. The scene in the movie trailer is much more lolarious simple, so I'm going with that: Van baaaad. Bella freesiaaaa. Edward INTENSE.



Midnight Sun commentary, chapters 7-12 (August 31st, 2008)


With bonus Twilight spot recapping.


Also, he still has her Snapple cap in his pocket, because Edward Cullen is a thirteen-year-old girl.



New Moon


Twilight II: Vampiric Boogaloo (May 15th, 2008): A brief, chapter-by-chapter commentary. Sometimes I think about going back and recapping the book in full, but then I remember that I did New Moon in Fifteen Minutes (2009) for the movie.


Also, Jacob's got a fever of a hundred and werewolf, I think.


"Marcus sees relationships. He's surprised by the intensity of ours." That's a POWER? What, is this like the X-Men where they started running out of shit and gave Dazzler the power of, like, disco or some shit?


Includes my theory on why Wuthering Heights is horror, not romance:


You know, Jacob's a nice kid, but I cannot support Jacob/Bella. Jacob/Bella does not convulse me with laughter and sparkly goodness. He's far too good and normal for her. Notice how she can't even pay attention to him? It's because she's exactly like Cathy Earnshaw--she can't function unless she's got Heathcliff to bounce her angst off. (Have I ever told you my theory that Wuthering Heights is not romance but actually horror, about two emotional sadomasochists who lay waste to everyone around them, using them as pawns in their own personal war of attrition? Because, I mean... that's pretty much the whole theory. ~The More You Know~)





Twilight III: Bride of Twilight (May 18th, 2008):


I love Alice so much. "CLAIRVOYANT VAMPIRE SLUMBER PARTY!!!!" Which should totally be a teensploitation B-movie from the '60s, by the way. "Also, my vampire not-brother bought me that Porsche so I'd keep you locked up while he's gone. Did I say 'while'? I meant every single time." And then Alice gives Bella a pedicure.


Oh Lord, Bella's decided that she wants to lose her virginity before she becomes a vampire. But he won't do that if they're not married! But she won't marry him if he won't let her become a vampire! But she won't let him make her a vampire unless he takes her cherry first! Dude, it's like that riddle about the fox and the goose and the bag of wheat trying to cross the river on a boat made for two.


(Damn, Edward, she's trying to get her freak on! What's all this buzzkill about souls?)




Breaking Dawn


Breaking Dawn three-part commentary (August 2nd, 2008):



Also: The pillow-biting will never, ever stop cracking my shit up. Ever. OM NOM ROUGH SEX NOM.


(If you’d told me a week ago that Breaking Dawn was going to be about Bella Swan Cullen fighting off a vampire fetus, I would have laughed in your face.)


And also, even though she’s supposed to be mad and inhuman with bloodlust, all Bella can think of when she touches Edward is… something else. God bless, Bella. I like you better when you let your inner nasty off the chain.



The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner



Riley feeds everyone a story about how vampires can only go out in the sunlight four days a year, and today just happens to be that day, but something really weird and unexpected happens when you do, you guys gotta hold on for this, it's gonna be awesome! So Riley goes upstairs and outside and tries to sparkle for them. The Raouls and the Kristies are frightened and confused. Riley is frustrated that they won't ACT LIKE VAMPIRES, GODDAMMIT: "Don't be a bunch of babies! You're vampires! Act like it! I'm embarrassed for you!" This from the guy who's out twinkling in the front yard. But finally, he coaxes them all up and out, and "most people [were] enjoying how very pretty they were," although Kristie pretty much has to be pried from the door jamb like a wet cat. It's a disco ball garden party!


And then I have a meltdown over "a male vampire with dark red hair."




Movies in Fifteen Minutes


Twilight in Fifteen Minutes


Twilight in Fifteen Minutes (2008), part of the Movies in Fifteen Minutes series I've been doing since 2003.















New Moon in Fifteen Minutes


New Moon in Fifteen Minutes (2009), because apparently I'm in this for the long haul.


EDWARD: So we're all leaving town and I don't want you to come.


BELLA: Edward, you haven't wanted me to come for six months now. This is not new.



Eclipse in Fifteen Minutes


Eclipse in Fifteen Minutes (2010), because I have resigned myself to seeing this through to the bitter, bitter, toothy-caesarean end.


JACOB: *marlonnnnn brandooooos*

EDWARD: *jaaaaames deaaaaaaaaaans*




BELLA: About the what?

JACOB: You know, his family hunting Victoria, who has come back to EAT YOU.

EDWARD: I’m sorry, little boy, did you say something?
JACOB: I don’t know, old man, did you go deaf?

[And so the Savory Beloved did cut class and mount the wererival's motorsteed, while the Tousled of Hair gazed after in deep chagrin, and sought a teacher to tell on herrrrr.]




Other discussion



Twilight, courtship, and the female gaze


And yet, somehow, I never finished my master's degree (July 4, 2010). Another entry in the "Why Twilight appeals to people even though it's kind of insane" line of thought.


In fact, I would argue with Owen Gleiberman that the movie series is not a return to the male gaze; it is a very strong assertion of the female gaze. Look, you saw New Moon, and if you didn't, I'll catch you up: Bella spends 80% of the movie in three layers of shirt and a parka, while the camera lovingly watches Edward jaaaaames deaaaaan across the parking lot in indie-rock slo-mo, and Jacob administers shirtless first aid with the finesse of a Chippendale. In Eclipse, the Jacob fan service is so prevalent that a character actually asks, "Doesn't he own a shirt?" (This is immediately followed by competitive embracing, which sounds like it ought to be added to the next Olympics.) The not-sex scene (which is just before the "I would be courting you" part that I'm trying to get back around to) focuses almost entirely on the unbuttoning of Edward's shirt. These are movies that understand that their primary audience does not need or want to see Bella's goods, and they know exactly what their audience is there to see--they're there to see the same things Bella wants to see. That's the female gaze in action.


(...) Guys, you having to sit there and watch the camera ogle these two guys is what life at the movies is like for us.




The Third Song of the Sparklingasogur


June 11, 2010. "Needs moar Vikings." Ended up being a dry run for the narrative portions of Eclipse in Fifteen Minutes.







Poufwa Exchange


Poufwa Exchange, "Episode 7 - It’s Like X-Rated NPR!" (September 12th, 2008)

It's a two-hour conversation in which Rinna, Lady Chi and I discuss Harry Potter, Twilight, the Lexicon case, fandom, religion, sex, feminism, politics, racism, aging, depression, kittens, grammar, education, constructive criticism, community theater, and, my God, SHIPPING PREFERENCES. And also, Alan Rickman. Bonus feature: my Emmett Cullen impression.



Made of Fail


Episode Seven: What, would you prefer "Undead American"? (September 23rd, 2008)

My first appearance on the show, in which I start trying to explain Twilight to the gang. I get a lot of stunned silence in return. I've also been on to discuss Harry Potter and Watchmen, but I'm the go-to guest any time a Twilight movie comes out.


Episode Ten: Do We Dazzle You (November 2008)

A discussion of the Twilight movie. Apparently this is the favorite episode of a number of the show's regular listeners.


Episode Twenty-Three: FACE PUNCH!! (November 2009)

A discussion of the New Moon movie, with Rinna as the other guest, that segues into a discussion on inappropriate fan behavior, why it happens, and how to deal with it.


Episode Thirty-One: Second Anniversary Live Extravaganza (June 2010)

I'm on for about half an hour; we discuss the ongoing Twistock--Twihards camping out for five days waiting for the Eclipse premiere. I think we had the wrong numbers on crowd size, though.


Episode Thirty-Two: Powdered Sparklepire (July 2010)

A discussion of the Eclipse movie that takes a half-hour detour into The Most Epic Game of Horrify the Twilight Noob Ever Recorded. It's awesome. If you have ever wanted to hear someone describe what happens in Breaking Dawn to someone who has no idea what happens, or you have someone you'd like to horrify yourself, this is the show for you. Also, it turns out that mine is an evil laugh.




Media references


I don't know how I got to be a Twilight "expert," exactly, but... it happened. Maybe because I can explain things without buying into them. I have, in fact, given quotes to three or four reporters over the phone (and explained the entire series plot to a couple of them). I also do birthdays and bar mitzvahs. A sampling:


New York magazine, "Did ‘Breaking Dawn’ Ruin the Twilight Series?" (linked/quoted)


Time's Nerd World blog, "Two Blog Entries You Should Be Reading" (linked/quoted)


MSNBC, "A beginner’s guide to 'Twilight' " (linked/quoted)


io9, "Twilight Makes for the Best Fanwank Ever" (linked/quoted)


Blogcritics.org: Interview with Author Cleolinda Jones

Salon: "The 'Twilight' of our youth" (linked/quoted)

Adelaidenow.com.au: "Why I'll stick my neck out for Twilight" (linked/quoted)

Oregonlive.com: "Review: 'New Moon' better than 'Twilight' in part because it's in on the joke" (linked/mentioned)


Courant.com: Critics Fear 'Twilight' Books Send Disturbing Message To Girls (background interview/linked)


Yahoo! News: "Team Edward vs. Team Jacob: Which side are you on?" (interviewed)

TODAYshow.com: "Why doesn’t ‘Twilight’ have a Team Bella?" (interviewed)

Philadelphia Inquirer: "Living (make that undead) dolls" (interviewed) 


Twilight and Philosophy (quoted)



I don't know, y'all. It's... it's a thing.












See also



Semagic - Cleolinda Jones (cleolinda) @ livejournal.comEpisode Twenty-Three: FACE PUNCH!! (November 2009), Episode Thirty-One: Second Anniversary Live Extravaganza (June 2010), Episode Thirty-Two: Powdered Sparklepire (July 2010)

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